I would like to take a moment to explain the dynamics of the proper way to eat ice cream. Let’s say, hypothetically, that a husband and wife went to Ben & Jerry’s for Free Cone Day at the St. Armand’s location on April 3, 2012. Just hypothetically. Also, let’s try to visualize this too, if we can. Oh look – a diagram:

Well, let’s just use this imagery that we’ve been given, as it coincidentally seems to illustrate our point pretty well.

Notice how the husband is obviously just slurping the ice cream without any real method, and it is beginning to leak a bit more than it should. There is no real order to this type of eating. It is very haphazard.

Now let me draw your attention to the organized manner in which the wife eats her ice cream. You can tell there is a real attention to detail here, where no part of the lower half of the ice cream starts to drip too much or create any real urgency. She knows that she has this under control and can eat this ice cream in a calm, collected manner. Dare we say, a sane manner.

Because of the husband’s sloppiness, he knows he must eat this ice cream fast or it will drip all over, so he ends up looking like an unorganized rookie, like some sort of youngster who doesn’t know the proper way to eat an ice cream cone. Ultimately, he ends up harassing me, I mean the wife, after he’s finished by saying, “You’re not done yet?!?” when what he really means is, “My heart is aching because my ice cream is gone already. If only I could eat it as efficiently as you, because then I would still have some left!!” And then he begins to weep quietly.

Okay, maybe it didn’t happen exactly like that, but I know he was crying inside.